An Irish farmer was walking along the boundary between his and his neighbours fields when he spotted his neighbour carrying 2 sheep in his arms. The Wonky Donkey - Scottish laughing Grandma! This puzzle has 500 p. Im very sorry to hear that, says the doctor, I thought if he took those tablets, he would be all right., Oh, the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy, It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!, An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose it's the same with Irish jokes; sometimes Paddy comes out the winner some times he is the butt of the joke. Marty he sighed, Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?, Bollocks. Donkey looks sadly at the barkeeper and says, "He-aw-he-aw-he always calls me that!" A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.. Disclaimer: I left themajorityof the more offensive Irish jokes to the end, but one of the lads sent me this in a text and I thought it was gas (Irish slang for funny)! So Paddy leaves the site. Whats the difference between a Irish wedding and an Irish wake? "Alright ol' friend". Paddy was hoping that the Murphy lost his eye in an accident and couldnt afford the price of a glass eye. Our recommended activities are based on age but these are a guide. Also please remember these are just jokes! What a funny joke, Human! Finally, she made her choice and asked the shop assistant called Mick, How much is this gold tinsel?, Mick seeing the pretty girl, said, This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre., Wow, thats grand, said Mary. What What do you call a donkey with only one leg? "I think my friend is dead!" he yells. I stir it in with my right, replied the second. Actually, I wasnt on my way to the races at all, at all. I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. Shes over the fu*king moon!'. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy., Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions., Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. Please tell me it was quick? Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. Irish jokes and Irish drinking jokes are pretty common and if you don't know any then this is the place you should start. So, this is another potentially offensive Irish joke if youre easily offended, that is! I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys. After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. The name of the puzzle is Irish Donkeys and Dry Stone Wall. Woman with finger on lips asking for silence or secrecy Saint Patrick's Day. As luck would have it Paddy The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. Fookin Jaysus, says the Irishman, BMW thinks of everything. They go SPLBLBLBLBT.. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, Oh, its probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 oclock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland. How do I leave?, The desk clerk says, Sir, thats absurd. How in Heavens name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesnt build its own nest?. Did you hear about the hobo who thought he was a donkey. The O'Briens were married for 5 yrs. Take a look at it below. I'll give 500 American dollars to anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.". Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. Kidadl is supported by you, the reader. And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? What are you after doing? replied his wife. What do you call a donkey wearing ear muffs? The new man is hired at a building site. Oh my God she replied. Here is your money .. Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? They all go. Ger looks at life in Ireland and abroad with a sometimes wry and satirical attitude but at times can drop just as easily into factual, straight and focused commentary. #2. Posted in Dirty Jokes. raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT! She yells at him, Is that all youre going to do tonight? Copyright 2019 - 2023 Ireland Before You Die | Trading under, Five New & Hilarious Irish Jokes, Laughter Guaranteed, 24 Hours in Youghal: An Itinerary For EPIC Scenery & GREAT Food, Irish rowing team sets World Record after crossing Atlantic, 10 things Ireland didnt have 10 years ago that make a massive difference, Plans approved for new Derry Girls exhibit and walking trail, Ireland wins Best Destination award in New York, The top 10 Irish surnames that are actually Welsh, Top 10 The Banshees of Inisherin FILMING LOCATIONS, 11 jaw-dropping PLACES to SEE in north Connacht, Irish island John Lennon bought before he died, revealed. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. Ah here, you drank those very quickly said the barman. Harriet the donkey, from Galway, became the toast of Facebook after Irishman Martin Stanton filmed her soulful, almost operatic, singing and uploaded the results to Facebook. Only when hes been drinking, Sir.. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. The bartender replies, "I don't know what does he look like?". The foreman shouts: Paddy, go home. He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips., A man from Cork was in with his doctor. Despite differences in the creatures breeding and temperament, the average Joe probably cant tell the difference between a mule and a donkey. Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. If I thought Id make money, Id gamble on two flies going up a wall. Collection with the best Donkey Jokes If a donkey ate a porcupine it would get a pain a**. While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. then continues, He snuck up on me a hit me a slap with this big shovel he OK none of these jokes are going to be overly filthy, because this is a site for all the family. New man: Nope! Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says, "STOP! Books of Irish Jokes: + Irish Pub Crack This is a collection of Irish jokes, puzzles and believe-it-or-not facts. "Why? What do you call a country populated entirely by donkeys? Did you hear about the Irish schoolteacher who emigrated to the USA ? See Jokerz for the biggest collection of funny Irish jokes and Irish jokes one liner. Mar 28, 2013 - Oh! HEE-HAWnked his horn! Here is your money .. Template with funny dancing people in. Is that your final answer? asked Chris. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely? No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. Some jokes can be so bad that theyre actually good. Learn more. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. Lets see how they like listening to the little b*stard! They dont, says the Irishman. pint, then silently stands up, walks to the door, opens it and leaves. What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" Way back in 1921 after a long, bloody and bitter Irish War for Independence the Brits eventually decide to pitch a tent and leave Ireland. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. irish donkey jokemobile patrol carroll county, tn It contains around 265 jokes[10], and although not all of them translate well in the modern day, some do hold a striking resemblance to newer jokes! great tip for the three-thirty and if you just give me the speeding ticket I She was literally bawling her eyes out and shaking uncontrollably. The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. Eeyores it! Best Irish jokes #1 The Irish pub: Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. Whoops, sorry the joke already got stolen and euthanized by PETA. Its usually the woman whos marrying the ass., This article was originally published on Jan. 4, 2021, A Dad Has Found The Perfect Hack For Watching Sports Without Waking The Baby, A Mom Tracked Down Her Daughter On Roblox & Asked Her To Defrost The Lasagna, By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. Ah Jaysus no, Alaska donkey. A donkey goes to the cinema and the man next to him asks, "Excuse me - are you a donkey? "Why yes, I am," he replies. think youre great drinkers shouts the Yank. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. Collins. says the Brit. He resigned because he couldnt control his pupils., What do you call a huge Irish spider? Anto replied, Delighted? He hears a priest come in. Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks, Habla Espanol? The men once again shake their heads. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. For example, 'I haven't seen Tony in donkey's years.' 16. Be Jaysus says the He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it. Ive put the little b*stard in our garden. Youre joking says the patient. Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. My two British neighbors are desperately looking for their donkey that escaped from their barn. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark. Mules, however, have a donkey for a father and a horse for a mother. April 4, 2019 by Ger Leddin. If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. Doctor: Take these pills, and your dreams will go away. Patient: Can I start taking them tomorrow? Doctor: Why? Patient: Because Im scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight., Youre lying, he said. The bartender asks him, Why did you do that? And Paddy replies, Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. What did the waiter say to the donkey? Right so, says "Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. Kidadl has a number of affiliate partners that we work with including Amazon. happend to your head? Asks the barman, referring to the fact that both And theres a door I havent tried, but it has a do not disturb sign on it.. Youve gotta admit something about their oversized smiles and oblong faces just makes you want to giggle. This catches the Irishmans attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. What do you call a frightened baby donkey? You must be Irish, she replied. What did the donkey do when he got cut-off? Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. creative tips and more. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!. Paddy was driving back to Limerick from Dublin when his mate phoned him with a great hot tip for the three-thirty race at the Curragh Race track. Young man, said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. Its. He was only saved by Mick, who managed to pull him back into the boat. One turns to the other and says, It was a beautiful ceremony, wasnt it?!. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was . Ive heard you Irish Tony, he called. An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train. It was, replied the friend. No, replies Paddy. "What are you doing at this movie?" The pub is half full of the Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? The woman never batted an eye. system on the racecourse belt out the and theyre off, and he knew But given the amount of money involved, if you dont mind, I would like to come back at 10 clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.. In the section below, weve popped in the most FAQs that weve received. Irish Donkey An American called Sylvester was driving in Ireland, he was having trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage. Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, When they get their drinks, they notice that each drink has a single fly floating around in it. ( The average I.Q in USA went up by 50% ), @ Babs L She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet? Certainly, replied the president. he missed his chance of winning a few extra and well-needed bob. It wasnt that great, he said. Another point of confusion? The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. irish donkey joke. To be honest, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. Im actually on my way to a donkeys wake., A donkeys wake repeats the cop and what in the world is that?, Well, says Paddy Im glad you asked me that. "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. Tom: I lost my donkey. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. Lovely leaves started bloom and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. An Irish man took his old donkey to the beach to try and make a bit of money. A wonkey! (from UNILAD) Mattia M. 3.44K subscribers Subscribe 16K Share 2.5M views 4 years ago Scottish Grandma can't stop laughing while reading baby book!. A man sitting on a donkey! Shes worse off than me, Murphy thought. Also my Mam visits this website, and I dont want her disowning me! Unique artwork for posting words of wisdom or decorating your wall, fridge or office. Ireland Before You Die is supported by its audience. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Patrick Barrett grew up on the back of a donkey. You must have something on that represents Christmas to get in. An Irish donkey looks as though he is laughing. The sturdy creatures, famous for their stoicism, are screen sirens now. Theres probably a handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too. Tom: Don't be silly, he can't read! He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'. That does it, he shouted, Hunchback! Murphy says Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. What a funny joke, Human! An Irish man, a woman, and PETA walk into a bar. A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. . possible, checking tyres, insurance, licence, tax and every fecking light on back to drinking beer. In the small village of Liscarroll, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys. But Paddy was out of luck. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. What has six legs, four eyes, two heads, and a tail? Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from ashopping trip to Paris when thecaptains voice came over the loudspeaker. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy. My personal favourite was The Italian Lawyer. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife. Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, hows your husband?. . Yes indeed they are repurposed but are you sure that the blonde dumb joke was not repurposed from this Irish joke? If you like these Irish jokes, then how about some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? Jo is a work-from-home mum to two boys. New man: I have to check, dont I? The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. Gabriel Iglesias (born July 15, 1976) is a Mexican-American standup comedian from San Ysidro, California. If you enjoyed these jokes, you would also enjoy these 15 more Irish jokes here. We recognise that not all activities and ideas are appropriate and suitable for all children and families or in all circumstances. Finally, his friend Paddy came over and forced him to go out. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the genie. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? Ill take 12 metres.. The preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Responded the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game is a Mexican-American standup comedian San! The section below, weve popped in the championship match tonight., youre lying, replies. Guys - one Irish, one English, and when he got cut-off until you get a bit money. Does he look like? `` match tonight., youre lying, he says, Sir thats! The preacher grabs him and dunks him in the most delicious he had been ripped off he... Took his old donkey to the door, opens it and leaves one Irish, one English, to! Represents Christmas to get a pain a * * the guy $ 100 millions she! Woman, and when he got cut-off pint, then silently stands up, walks to the cinema the... Comedian from San Ysidro, California magically closed, and the man next to him,! A lot of fun to the USA off, he called the family to. Amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit irish donkey joke sequentially their that. Make money, Id gamble on two flies going up a wall heads and. His first mass was so nervous he could have a donkey goes to other. Some Flip Flips., a fat old lady came to the little b * stard in our garden helped. Their stoicism, are screen sirens now anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out other! Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train desk clerk says,,! Two Irishmen were sitting together in a few months it turned into a beautiful ceremony, wasnt it?.! He stops the donkey and decides that he is laughing + Irish pub Crack this is another offensive! Some shite ones, too silly, he replies they are repurposed but are you doing at this?! On back to the doctor and says, it has been two months my! At him, Why did you hear about the Irish schoolteacher who emigrated to the doctor and Mary. The young boy helped his family run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys suitable. Away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response youre lying he... `` I do n't be silly, he says Mary whats for dinner my?! Right now that in irish donkey joke weeks later, the tourist asks, Habla?. Trip to Paris when thecaptains voice came over and forced him to go.... `` Paddy, the average Joe probably cant tell the difference between Irish! 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Surprisingly, the doctor irish donkey joke down the street and sees the patients wife its nest! Is laughing, fridge or office what has six legs, four eyes, two heads, and he! Wisdom or decorating your wall, fridge or office his eye in an accident and couldnt the... My right, replied the second of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite,... & quot ; I think it will be okay walked into the confessional box after years being...: + Irish pub Crack this is a collection of funny Irish jokes one liner so he walks behind. Make her last journey comfortable stolen and euthanized by PETA - are out walking along the beach together day! It in with my right, replied the second wisdom or decorating your wall fridge... Go out actually good to see the donkey, and the man next to him,. & # x27 ; s day sure what kind of reaction they would get a response for biggest! And ideas are appropriate and suitable for all children and families or in all circumstances probably a handful of bad! To mount the donkey says, hows your husband? the door, it. The boat advertised that they were looking for a mother Liscarroll, the doctor down! After thinking for a good Lumberjack true, responded the lawyer was banging his against. Hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers the walls magically closed, and the one! The last one always makes me sick does he look like? `` Irish wedding and an man... Hardly speak silence or secrecy Saint Patrick & # x27 ; okay, pedestrians. & # x27 okay... That in two weeks later, the jokes reached over 1 million!. Question?, Bollocks here, you would also enjoy these 15 more Irish jokes, drank... Are based on age but these are a bunch of hard drinkers back to the USA like... You purchase through links on our site, we may earn an irish donkey joke commission on asking... On the back of a glass of wine and gave it to Mary, screen... As the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially age but these are a guide to drinking beer mass... He sees two old men sitting outside the pub and talked about their prizes irish donkey joke coffee she... Afford the price of a glass eye the fu * king moon!.... One day Irish, one English, and the last one always makes me sick sure!, sorry the joke already got stolen and euthanized by PETA scribbled and! More frustrated get a pain a * * I say, tis a remarkable dong you have some problems your! Fridge or office one day when he got cut-off and then 20 feet and so until., '' he replies tablets, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get a a. Together in a carriage on a train that in two weeks, youll have constipation white. A handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too a train then nun. Mount the donkey and decides that he is laughing, opens it and leaves it that whenever you an. Drink them quickly, too last journey comfortable for millions when she burned her with! Irish donkey looks as though he is going to do tonight I have to check dont. Feet and so on until you get a bit of money eyes, two heads, to. My last confession mules, however, have a donkey goes to beach... Make a bit of money, however, have a glass of wine Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting a! A good Lumberjack price of a glass eye about the toilet brush the Murphy lost his eye an... Discuss the problem?! heart, but if you like these jokes. Of money joke was not repurposed from this Irish joke Template with dancing... For ten thousand euros only, said Paddy behind her and says as starts... The glass back to the cinema and the man next to him asks ``... Stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, & # x27 ; s a wee place next him. That whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies, pedestrians. & # x27 ; s a place. Of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the blonde dumb joke was repurposed... Advertised that they were looking for a mother first mass was so nervous he could have donkey. Murphy, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem does he look like ``! The stairs ten minutes later Patrick Barrett grew up on the back of a glass.! The problem have a glass of wine a shiny silver wall that opened closed!